| Usless musings, pseudophilosopy and random arguements with the voices in my head |
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| Long Lost Me |
[Nov. 7th, 2006|10:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  enraged | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fuck All Y'all by Saliva | ] |
So its been literally months since ive posted anything...ive been busy. you got a fucking problem with that? i didnt think so.
anyway, lots has happned since august. for starters i got a girlfriend wich most of you already know. her name is stacey and she is really cool. it been really great so far, shes helped me pull myself out of the nasty funk i was in this summer.
I went to minnesota in september to see my dad for my birthday...haven been back for 2 years so it felt really good. its sucks tho cuz now i miis everyone even more and it kinda makes me sad.
ok, so maybe not much has happened except ive been working lots. i guess i should just go on a rant instead.
This whole political bullshit is really pissing me off and im not talking about the election stuff. the other day a saw a bumper sticker that read "im already opposed to the next war" shit like that pisses me off. I dont care whether or not you agree with the current war in iraq, but to say you already oppose the next war is just childish nearsighted ignorant pussy bullshit. for all they know china could wage war on a massive global scale and invade us, thus starting a new war. does that mean that this person is opposed to us fighting back to save ourselves? most of these liberal bastards forget to think before they speak, so that when they open their mouths nothing but ass juice spews forth. now im not saying i agree with the conservative idiots either and i had an example of their utter stupidity but i forgot to post this when i saw it two weeks ago and now i forgot what it was.
What really gets me is when the ultra liberal people say shit like its our conservative governments policies that make the world hate us. these are the same people who would rather give mass murderers more rights than their victims and then say shit like trees are more important than people. shit like that make us look like a weak cowardly nation to the rest of the world. its everyones fault the world hates us...but then again who doesnt the world hate? this country hates this country and these countries have been killing eachother since recorded history began and so forth. so what if people in europe and the middle east hate us? what makes them so fucking special that they get to be some almighty righteous judge. fuck the world and everyone in it. what really compounds the dysfunction are the religions. the same people who preach tolorance and forgiveness are the most intolerant and unforgiving. hypocritical goat fuckers!
I better quit now before i get riled up and really go off.
Later kiddies may rabbid monkeys deficate in your throat while you sleep |
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| Noise in My Brain |
[Aug. 17th, 2006|11:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | To Be Loved by Papa Roach | ] |
It all started at rockfest. Buckcherry came on and i got the song Crazy Bitch stuck in my head for a week afterward. Fast forward to today, i got the song restuck in my head by listening to the cd and sang it all night at work...if you know the song you know it aint exactly appropriate in a work type environment. "hey, you're crazy bitch but you fuck so good im on top of it. When i dream im doin you all night, scratches all down my back to keep me right on." its really an awesome song, go online and listen to it. so anyway on my way home, i some how switched from my cd to the radio just in time to catch the new single from papa roach...and if you know me, you know that to me papa roach is only second to metallica. So now i have both songs stuck at the same time. interesting mix. BTW the new papa roach song is called To Be Loved and it is freaking amazing. even if you dont listen to te buckcherry song, which you should, go listen to the new papa roach on myspace, or go see the video at yahoo music. this is not a request, this is a demand. if you like what you hear thats awesome cuz im looking for people to go to the concert with me. they go on tour in november. dates havent been announced, but im getting a ticket or two as soon as they come out. let me know if you are down and ill get you a ticket too. I will post again when dates have been released so you can tell me for sure. sweet deal im super stoked. |
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| Meat Grinders for the Masses...by the Masses |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|10:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry | ] |
so lets see... the last time i posted was when i blew my thumb apart.
rock fest. that was an awesome fucking concert. The Bangkok Five kicked things off. so we(me ashley, and robert) were rocking out to the show with about 2 people between us and the baracade. the security was on the other side of the baracade to catch crowd surfers and stuff. anyway the security guy 5 feet from un on the other side of the baracade was none other than PEDRO! fucking fatass that got arrested for trying to kill me and B with a baseball bat and then his car. now hes doing security, aint there some kinda law about that? so i see him and then he sees me and we stared at eachother for most of the set.
Next up was Evans Blue. they got the crowd goin pretty good and the moshing started to break out and lots of crowd surfers. during this set i got into some good moshing and let me tell you it is very hard to get into a mosh pit and try to protect you hand(the one i blew apart with a basketball) i managed to protect that, but in the process my big toe on my right foot got stomped hardcore and started bleeding profusely. all the while me and pedro maintaind a low level staredown.
Floater came up next but we decided to take a break. the first half of their set sucked. it was just plain weird and the lead singer came on weraing a cowboy hat...definately had the kenny chesney look goin on. about half way throught the set, the guitarist switches guitars and the band fucking rocked! i loved the second half of the set. i even got back into the crowd and moshed a little. got my toe stomped again ad it bled more.
When buckcherry came on all hell broke loose. the first half of the crowd turned into a giant meat grinder. i had so many crowd surfers dropped on me and i got beat up in the pits pretty good. got kicked in the head which left a cut that went from my eyebrow to my sideburn. Now i was a buckcherry fan back in the day before they broke up. i was sad when that happened, but then i head they got back together, made a new album and went on tour i was excited, then when i heard they were at rock fest i was really excited. their new stuff kicked ass.
the next bad i was excited for...Seether. The crowd was so outa control at this point i saw this chick beat the shit out of a guy alost twice her size in a fist fight. that chick then proceeded to wrestle and then make out with another random chick from the audience. when security showed up to break her fights apart she kept slapping the security guard in the face. it was awesome! she disappaered and i didnt see her again till later on when the last band was almost done. At this point my foot was so stomped and i had bled so much that my foot was cemented to my sandal with all the dried blood. it was kinda sick. all through it tho i kept my hand protected. Seether did a tribute to some rockers who died, dime bag darrel from pantera and the old singer from drowning pool. their tribute was a collection of nirvana and pantera songs mixed together. it was awesome
Then the main event...Alice in Chains! i gre up listeneing to them, then their lead singer died...sad. now they are back with a new singer and they still sound awesome. they rocked! the new guy sounds enough like the old guy that they cn do thire old stuff and it still sounds good.
it was the greatest concert that ive been to that i didnt have to pay for. i cant wait til next year. |
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| I Hate Basketballs!!!!! |
[Jul. 22nd, 2006|12:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sore | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Plush by Stone Temple Pilots | ] |
So i started out my day yesterday like any other normal day: go to work, get ready to open the park, etc. I was asked to blow up some mini basketballs (something ive done countless times before) that we have as prizes. Me and brittany were out in the shop blowing up these balls joking around and then BANG! The next thing i know, i cant hear out of my left ear and my right hand heels like i punched through a wall. it looked like i punched through a wall too. then i noticed something didnt feel right with my left hand so i looked down and saw the trndons in my thumb through the huge gash at the base of it. The freaking basketball exploded in my hands and damn near ripped my thumb off. scott immediately wrapped me up and took me to the ER. 14 stitches later, my thumb is all attached again and hurts like a motherfucker. By the time i got back to work the story had gone around and some people felt sorry for me and other perople just gave me crap. Steve was like "you do realize that you ae the first person in the history of...everything to blow his hand apart with a basketball.
Moral of the story: Basketball is a stupid sport.
Nicky |
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| When Optimists Attack |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|10:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Why Cant This Be Love by Van Halen | ] |
OK, so as many of you know i started this little experiment in optimism about a month and a half, maybe two months ago. It worked exceedingly well for the first couple weeks, but then it started falling apart. Its one thing to stay optimistic all the time if you have something positive to keep feeding it. Trying to stay optimistic with out anything positive in like being sealed in an air tight room and trying to keep breathing after you already used up all the oxygen. You do fine while there is still air, but as soon as the air runs out you crash and burn amazingly fast. Basically, my experiment failed miserably, and my cynical nature has reasserted itself with a vengeance.
i tried, i truly tried. I put more energy into trying to keep myself in a good mood and stay optimistic and cheerful than i have put into anything since my last real relationship(and damned if i didnt put more than i had into that).
So right now the only thing keeping me from being devoured by my pent up pessimism is the song thats stuck in my head(see my last post to learn more about that). That song is keeping my mood at moderately dissatisfied instead to total despair. Whats sad is that i think i feel more comfortable being depressed, i dont know how to feel any other way anymore and that scares me than i can put to words.
I know i bitch over and over about mostly the same shit on most of my posts, its got to be annoying by now, Hell im annoying myself. But, you are choosing to read this and if you dont like it then you dont have to read it. If you dont like it, either stop reading or shut your fucking mouth and finish reading it. i may bitch a lot but at least i finish what i start even when i dont want to. im not saying i always finish it right away, but i do finish it. So suck it up and keep reading.
Where was i? Dammit! your whining interrupted my bitching and now i lost my train of thought. thanks now i gotta start all over again. wait, i remember.
Yeah, so its not that i prefer to be depressed its just its all ive known for a while and i wouldnt know what to do if it suddenly went away and i was, dare i say it, happy. I welcome the chance to be happy again, but i think its running from me cuz every time i think ive found someone, or ive got my life headed where i want it, or am satisfied with the way things are, something comes along and derails me. Thats why i dont believe in karma, im a good person and i get nothing but shit from the universe. well FUCK the shit-sucking universe. if bad shit happens to good people, what the hell is the point of being a good person? i dont see one. the only reason i still try to be a good person is because people who arent piss me off and i hate hypocrisy.
Well, im off to go hook up my playstation and escape reality for a few hours til i gotta go to work.
Later Kiddies. May a deranged psychopath break into your homes and bludgeon you to death with a half dead ally cat. |
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| The Never-Ending Song |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|10:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Why Cant This Be Love by Van Halen | ] |
So I managed to get "Why Can't This Be Love" by Van Halen stuck in my head. I don't just mean stuck, i mean SUPER stuck, as in it has been the only thing in my head since Wednesday or Thursday. Don't get me wrong, its an awesome song and its already on the new mix I'm making but its driving me nuts. Whats really strange is that I'm not sick of it yet even though I keep repeating it in my CD player.
Whoa, here it comes
That funny feelin' again windin'
Me up inside
Every time we touch
Hey, I don't know
Oh, tell me where to begin
'Cause I never ever
Felt so much. Hey!
An' I can't recall any love at all
Oh baby, this blows 'em all away
It's got what it takes
So tell me why can't this be love?
Straight from my heart oh tell
Me why
Can't this be love?
I tell myself,
"Hey! Only fools rush in" an' only
Time will tell
If we stand the test of time
All I know
You've got to run to win an' I'll
Be damned if
I'll get hung up on the line. Hey!
No, I can't recall any thing at all
Oh baby, this blows 'em all away
Woo! It's got what it takes
So tell me why can't this be love?
You want it straight from the heart oh, tell
Me why
Can't this be love?
Woo! It's got what it takes
So tell me why can't this be love?
Straight from the heart, oh tell
Me why
Can't this be love?
Baby, why can't this be love?
Got to know why can't this
Be love?
I wanna know why can't this
Be love?
Yup, so there it is for your visual pleasuer.
Nicky |
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| The Evil Goat in my Sock Drawer |
[Jul. 8th, 2006|12:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Scars by Papa Roach | ] |
So yeah, I got my car back from the auto body shop yesterday. The prob was that my mom went with me and saw the dent on the back bumper from when i hit the basketball hoop at ricks house. i told her i didnt remember it being there but i did work at the fun center so it could have happened in that parking lot. she flipped out on the people at the shop and accused them of doing it, so now they are gonna fix it for free. im so going to hell...even faster than before. So now im bringing my car back on monday so they can fix that and im out a car again for an undetermined number of days. FUCK!!!
oh well, ive got it til then so im gonna enjoy it. by enjoy it, i mean drive to work and park it for 10+ hours today and tomorrow. pointless.
Anyway, i was talking to this new kid at work and it got me thinking about something. He said that his "best friend" pretty much wants him dead now over something stupid and insignificant. he didnt say what it was, but hell that still aint cool. I know im a little weird, but i always believed in loyalty and not turning my back on my friends no matter what happened/they did/i did. So even if this kid screwed his friend's girl/boy friend, his friend should be able to forgive him eventually. Hell, ive had people cheat on me, use me, take me for granted, ingore me for months/years, insult me, walk all over me, etc but i always forgave them and still talk to them, and am still there for them always. The ones who really hurt the most are the ones who i dont hear from for months and then out of the blue they call cuz the need help (relationship fell apart, lost, car problems, etc). Is like cool, its great to talk to you but why couldnt you have called just once for 30 seconds in the last 9 months just to say hi and let me know you are still alive. I get taken for granted cuz people get the thought in there heads that "its ok, nick will always be there" I will always be there, but it sucks when its expected not apreciated. Even so, i would never turn my back on any of these people cuz then i would have no friends left hardly, plus i love them and forgive them and would still do anything for them, cuz thats what it means to be somebody's friend. if your friends cant forgive you, who can, besides God? It just kills me to see these people who are so called freinds turn their backs on each other. Any hurt can and will go away if you let it and it takes time but relationships can be put back together, but it takes an effort on the part of everyone involved. I just wish i could make everyone understand this.
Well, im hungry so im gonna go get something to eat before i go to work. Have a great saturday.
Nicky, out for now |
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| Heaven, Hell, and Everything in Between |
[Jul. 6th, 2006|11:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
So for the 4th of july i went to the oregon coast. Ive been away from the beach for far too long and i really missed it. The ocean is my happy place. when im there all my troubles seem to disappear into the waves. It really relaxed me and made feel much better for a little while. Also stacey and me found the really amazing waterfall a couple miles south of tilamook. once we got to the vista we climbed the fence, went through the trees, and climbed some branches and ended up in this totally breath-taking spot. It was really amazing, and combined with my good vibes from the beach, i was totally at peace with myself and the universe for a lil while. it felt really good to just let go and relax for two days and not worry about anything except what was for dinner.
Unfortunately all good things come to an end, and unfortunately for me good things rarely start in the first place and im back in Shitwood again and back to work again. Im still feeling pretty good so that makes life better for now. there are a couple things that happened to damage my good mood though
I realized that many of you dont take me seriously anymore. i know i act childish and very immature most of the time but thats cuz i choose to. im am way smarter than i act and i actually think a lot more than i let on. i just got in the habit of acting like i was 6 cuz it helps me endure the massive amount of crap that ive been dealing with lately. If im too busy running around like a maniac, i dont have time to think about how depressingly lonely i am or how frustrated im am that i cant seem to get my life on the track i want it to be on, or how nobody takes me seriously! Most of you have known me long enough to know this but seem to have forgotten this little fact. Well im tired of it and if i gotta start acting my age and all mature and stop having fun to remind you then thats what i will do, just dont you dare try to tell me i need to loosen up again or something to that effect cuz i swear you wont like the results. If it wasnt for the totally awesome week i just had, i would be a lot more pissed off right now. When im joking around then fine, but when im being serious, dont treat me like i dont know what im talking about of that im just an idiot who doesnt care or take anything seriously. By the way, im being dead serious right now if you forgot how to tell the difference.
Okay, now that thats outa the way, the other thing that is bothering me is this overwhelming feeling that im totally powerless to help anyone i care about. All around me the people i care about most seem to have their lives falling apart at the seams and theres absolutely nothing i can do to stop it or make it better. Sometimes i think i just make things worse. Ever since ive known krista, every relationship she been in has ended in one way or another because of me. it sucks cuz the last thing i ever wanted to do was make this harder for her. If it wasnt for me, she might have found somebody she could be with for real, but nope nicks in the picture and that causes too many problems. Its not just krista tho. I seem to make everyones life more confusing and complicated when all i want to do is make things easier and better. whether i try to help or try to stay out of it, the results are the same and i cause more pain. Sometimes i feel like you would have been better off never knowing me. from what you all have told me i know thats not true but i still feel that way sometimes when i find out im the root of your current problem or that i exasperated your problem even more. To those of you ive done this to (you know who you are), i am truly sorry. i wish i could just make you problems go away, not add to them.
Also, ive decided im sick of being lonely. Im gonna go out and find someone i dont care about in the very least (after all it never works with the ones i do care about) cuz being in a crappy relationship beats being alone any day. i was kinda hoping id find someone special, but like ive been saying for forever me and hope dont work so well together. ive all but given up on the idea of actually being happy, so i guess ill settle for not miserable instead. at least its one step up.
my biggest problem is that i actually slept last night and when i get a good nights sleep i get depressed and moody, which explains most of this here blog. when i sleep, im able to think clearly and not have my mind jump around to 37 places per second. and when i think clearly i think about everything that is bothering me and i get depressed. so to cure that i dont sleep and act like a 5 year old with add that just ate a pound of sugar. Then nobody takes me seriously. Damn evil cycle. I need to find a balance and the only time that has ever happened was the last time i was happily with somebody. so it looks like finding that balance is out to. Oh well. At least im not dead.
Nicky out |
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| Outa Gas |
[Jun. 16th, 2006|01:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Up All Night by Slaughter | ] |
So the term "running on fumes" stopped applying to me two days ago. Im way past that now. I think ive gotten approx 3 hrs of sleep since wednesday. Luckily I only have one overnighter left to work that i know of. The only problem with this is that im scheduled til 6 am which actually translates to 7 or 715 am and i have to be back at 8am to open. then im goin to rickys lil grad bash thingy so thats another night of not sleeping. Id swear all this sleep deprivation is having and adverse effect on my sanity if i actully had any sanity left.
On a slightly happier note...aw shit, i gont nuttin.
Im hungry so im gonna go eat and then not sleep some more. later
Nicky out but not out enough. I need some sleep! |
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| WTF |
[Jun. 7th, 2006|12:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
IVE HAD IT!!!!! Please, someone tell my why people keep thinking im gay.
Out of the blue this morning my mom asked me if i was gay. acording to her, "Its so obvious and you arent fooling anyone." WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
What Really gets me is that she is not the first person to say something like that to me. I get it alot in fact.
I originally was planning on going on a rant about all these female friends of mine that always come to me with their relationship problems and then tell me im much better to them than their asshole boyfriends and how great of a guy i am but never want to be anything more than "just friends" I was having a hard time understanding this concept: i treat them better and am a great guy but they rather be with someone who treats them like shit instead of me. I guess i have my answer: Im just so obviously gay its no wonder they never want me.
As if i didnt have enough to worry about right now. FUCK!!!!!
How many of you think im gay? Please be honest, i deserve that much at least. If you do think i am, tell what is is that makes you think that. Its not that i have anything against people being gay, im just not gay and cant figure out why at least one perso a month asks me if i am. IM SO CONFUSED!
Ill talk to you all later, Im gonna go bash my head against a wall til i feel better.
Nick |
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| The Day I Gave Up |
[Jun. 6th, 2006|03:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Fuck Off! | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Not a damn thing | ] |
So why is it that when someones life is going oh so great the just have to rub it into everyone else's face. I swear, the net person who calls me or e-mails me just to tell me that their life is perfect and then go on about how great their boy/girl friend is I'm gonna stab with a rusty grapefruit spoon! Im sick of being reminded how lonely and pathetic i am, i know it enough on my own i dont need help remembering. Im glad everything is great for most of you but please dont rub salt in my wounds it just pisses me off! Until further notice, I DONT GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE so dont tell me. If you have a problem i will be more than happy to listen and maybe even help you through it, but otherwise fuck off! I know Im guilty of it too, but i only do it to other people who are doing moderately to very good.
I guess i just dont understand the logic. "You're depressed so I'm gonna cheer you up by telling you how great my life is and how happy I am."
For those of you who are doing great and havent taken it upon yourselves to rub my nose in it, i thank you and am very happy for you.
Nicky |
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| Because I can |
[Jun. 1st, 2006|10:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  quixotic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Some Kelly Clarkson song in my head | ] |
Did you ever have one of those days where everything reminded you of something or someone but you couldnt figure out who or what it was that you were being reminded of? Yeah, i hate that feeling.
speaking of feeling, my knee really hurts. it gave out on me last night/this morning. it was around midnight so im not sure what day. anyway, so ive had this brace on it all day and it is helping.
Wow, im really craving a giant turkey and swiss sandwich right now and i dont know why. all i know is that i want one realy bad.
I also really want a puppy. i figured if female companionship is an impossibility for me, whay not get cannine companionship instead. Id get a kitty except im alergic to cats.
The word bannana is really funny. ive been laughing at it all day long and it still amuses me.
Another thing thats been in my head all day long, some kelly clarkson song has been repeating itself in my brain all day and night. im not saying its bad cuz i actually kinda like her music, its just not something that usually ends up in my head.
Other songs currently in my head at the same time as the song previously mentioned: Feel Good Inc.(Gorilaz), Why Can't This be Love(Van Halen), Angel(Aerosmith), The Unnamed Feeling(Metallica)
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The Unnamed Feeling by Metallica
Been here before
Been here before couldn't say I liked it
Do I start writing all this down?
Just let me plug you into my world
Can't you help me be uncrazy?
Name this for me, heat the cold air
Take the chill off of my life
And if I could I'd turn my eyes
To look inside to see what's comin'
It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little more
Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away
I'm frantic in your soothing arms
I can not sleep in this down filled world
I've found safety in this loneliness
But I can not stand it anymore
Cross my heart and hope not to die
Swallow evil, ride the sky
Lose myself in a crowded room
You fool, you fool, it will be here soon
It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little more
Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Treats me this way
And I wait for this train
Toes over the line
And then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away
Get the fuck out of here
I just wanna get the fuck away from me
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
I hate it all, why? Why? Why me?
I cannot sleep with a head like this
I wanna cry, I wanna scream
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
I wanna hate it all away
--------------------
Yay, that was fun. Did you enjoy that non-musical version of that song?
If my life had a soundtrack, i wonder what songs would be on it or if there would be any original songs written for it.
I like the color purple. One reason is cuz im a vikings fan but also just cuz i like the color purple. Is there anything wrong with that? Yeah? well deal with it.
Something that really annoys me is guys who wear pink. 2 years ago i would have worn pink shirts cuz no other guys were wearing them. now that half(or more) of the preppy/pretty boy dumb ass shit heads wear pink shirst it aint original anymore and it just proves how much like sheep they all are. I especially hate the "tough guys wear pink" shirts. seriously these guys are trying too hard. I still say tough guys wear black and kick the shit outa those pink shirted pretty boys! Blue works good too. maybe even green cuz im in a good mood right now.
I really need to go out and buy new clothes. I dont fit into any of my shorts anymore cum im totally out shape. im not used to being too big for my clothes. i feel like a steriotypical chick complaoning about my weight, but its true. im getting man-boobs. it aint a pretty sight.
I think i need to see a chiro...i cant spell. i back/spine dr whatever who can put me back into alignment cuz my back has been all tweaky for a while and its stating to annoy me.
also need to get alignment of my front axle fixed. damn pot holes!
Oh, so i realized that for the next week+ im not gonna see anybody cuz im the designated overnight worker now. my next 7 shifts in a row are all overnight parties and such. 10pm-6am or 9pm-230am. shifts like that. thats even on the weekdays. so i work 10pm to 6am, go home take a shower and go to class by 9. not enough time to sleep so i just gotta make til i get home from class b4 i can sleep. im so gonna die.
im off to bed aka play video games til i pass out at 5am. so i tried an over the counter sleeping pill and i didnt like it. modernmedicine 0 insomnia 1124. so far the only cure ive proven effective(not including staying up for 4 days straight til i crash from sheer exhaustion) is to have someone(by someone i mean someone female) in my arms. i know it sounds sappy but its true.
So yup see you all after my week of hell befor my week of hell for finals. Joy and wonderfulness!
If i do see or talk to any of you and i either am rude or totally ignore you i am sorry in advance. im guessing im gonna be pretty cranky by the time i makit through my hell schedule. if i survive it that is.
Peace and Love
Nicky
P.S. Bannana ha ha ha ha ha ha |
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| Funny Stuff |
[May. 30th, 2006|04:19 pm] |
Things i find amusing today
1. Monkeys on scooters
2. The word doohickey
3. Llamas
4. Those little goldfish crackers that have smily faces on them
5. Old ladys with small fuzzy dogs
6. The sudden realization that I havent been a teenager for almost 3 years
7. French toast
8. The phrase "Your Mom"
9. Nacho Cheese
10. The funny noise AIM makes when i get a message
11. That funny feeling you get when your foot falls asleep |
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| Who Knows |
[May. 28th, 2006|11:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Patience by Guns N' Roses | ] |
So um i really dont know what to say exactly. I had a bunch to say when I sat down but now I have no clue at all. Anyway...
My little happy trip is still going pretty well. Ive had a few minor setbacks but nothing to get my panties in a twist.
How are all of you doing? I feel like I havent talked to anyone in a long time. I know its only been a couple days for some of you but it still feels that way. I hope all of you are doing well.
So, basically thats all I have to say right now. Good luck with dead week and finals for those of you still in school.
Ill talk again later when I have more to say.
Nicky |
|
|
| Life and Other Terminal Diseases |
[May. 23rd, 2006|05:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Back in Black by AC/DC | ] |
So yeah, this list started as a joke IM to Krista and i just kinda kept it going and have been adding to it now and then for the last four years. Enjoy!
Thoughts and Philosophies: Inside the Mind of Nick Mills
Note: these are in no particular order; I just wrote them as I thought of them.
1. I am never wrong, but I’m not always right.
2. Hard work may pay off in the long run, but laziness pays off right now.
3. Beauty may be only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
4. Sleep is good.
5. Long distance relationships never honestly work (the other is always cheating you’re just too blind to see it).
6. Cheeeeeeeese is gooooooood.
7. Its good to be just a little crazy, it helps keep me sane.
8. Normal people scare me.
9. Life sucks and then you die.
10. Rock On!
11. Caffeine is your friend. It’s my friend too.
12. (This one is a quote from the Governor of Minnesota, Jesse Ventura, but I think it funny) "Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat."
13. If it weren’t for bad luck, I would not have any luck at all.
14. Braces are really a form of legal torture, and Orthodontists are only sadists with medical degrees.
15. Live your life a half a day at a time.
16. Keep your expectations low, that way you'll never be disappointed.
17. Everybody has the right to dream; just don’t do it while going 70 mph down the highway.
18. The term "jumbo shrimp" is funny.
19. If all of your friends jumped off of a cliff, would you be the one they were following?
20. I’m the kind of person that will spend as long as it takes to find out exactly how many ways to skin a cat there really are.
21. Chivalry is not dead, but disco is.
22. Every one calls it a "one night stand", but they usually aren’t standing that night, if you know what I mean.
23. I don’t care what everyone else says, black and white are colors.
24. True love only exists until you find someone better.
25. The best way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach, but through his ribcage. (Messy)
26. Any man that can perfectly understand the mind of a woman should be made “King of the World.”
27. I will try almost anything once.
28. Little brothers are one of the best things in life.
29. If you got it flaunt it. If you don’t got it please don’t flaunt it.
30. God, Girls, and Guns make America great.
31. Spandex should be a privilege, not a right.
32. Not all blondes have more fun.
33. Dogs are people too.
34. Hypocrites are the worst kind of people.
35. You can do anything your own way, as long as it’s just how I say.
36. If you ask a stupid question, expect a stupid answer.
37. Mosquitoes are the winged spawn of Satan.
38. Eventually, computers will destroy mankind.
39. I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or piss me off.
40. If you ask you will find out, so don’t ask.
41. I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny.
42. I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite, diet, or fat-free on the package or label.
43. There are no stupid questions, only stupid people.
44. Hang on to the people you love, you never know when they’ll be gone.
45. Let the people you love know that you love them before its too late.
46. It’s better to be a smart ass, or a wise ass than a dumbass.
47. Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
48. Clothes don’t make you look fat; fat makes you look fat.
49. Avoid fruits and nuts. After all, you are what you eat.
50. What the Hell do the Green Bay Packers pack anyway?
51. Work smart, not hard.
52. I was being patient, but it took too long.
53. You can’t lose what you never had.
54. Laziness is the most unrecognized virtue.
55. What exactly are you going to lose when someone says, “move it or lose it”?
56. To all the fags out there: the human ass was designed for output only, no input allowed. Think of it as a “No Trespassing” zone, and all trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.
57. Keep you’re friends close, and your enemies in traction.
58. Embarrassment got its name because it’s the feeling you get when someone pulls down your pants, and your bare ass is hanging out for everyone to see.
59. Live hard, die young.
60. The key to happiness is not getting what you want, it’s wanting what you already have.
61. Be yourself or someone better.
62. Never lose touch with the people you love, and never let them lose touch with you.
63. Never grow up completely.
64. If art and poetry are an expression of one’s soul, then I must not have one.
65. I am nothing without my friends.
66. God made everyone equal, but He made some more equal than others.
67. Never abandon your friends.
68. I would like to say that I consider my friends family, but I can’t; my friends are better than a lot of my family.
69. Women are harder to understand than men, but they’re easier to get along with.
70. Never interrupt me when I’m talking to myself.
71. A little pessimism never hurt anybody.
72. If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.
73. I don’t wanna grow up cuz I’m a Toys ‘R Us kid.
74. I like sandwiches.
75. Yelling is a great stress reliever; plus, it makes a good tension breaker in a quiet room.
76. Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus, but does anybody know where Michael Jackson is from?
77. Every time I figure out the meaning of life, they go and change it on me.
78. You’re just jealous because the voices talk to me and not you.
79. You should leave this world the same way you entered it: naked, screaming, and soaking wet.
80. Sometimes I feel guilty because I don’t feel guilty about whatever it was that I did.
81. If there’s a fine line between love and hate, how come I’ve never seen it?
82. Who is the man on the moon, and how come we haven’t gotten him down yet?
83. Why does dating have to be so complicated?
84. If you can’t be honest with yourself, whom can you trust?
88. I would give my life for my friends, and I’d hardly even give a shit about everyone else.
89. Anyone who isn’t your friend is nothing but a potential enemy. Even some friends are nothing but potential enemies.
90. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
91. A crazy person doesn’t really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
92. Say no to cats.
93. You shouldn’t take life too seriously; you’ll never get out alive.
94. Worrying is like masturbating; it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
95. The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
96. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
97. If the police never find it, is it still a clue?
98. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
99. Most people don’t know what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
100. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
101. I’m not afraid of heights; I’m afraid of falling from them.
102. If you look at the bright side too long, you’ll fry your retinas.
103. Fishing wasn’t invented to catch fish: it was invented to go get a tan while you knock a few beers back and watch chicks in bikinis playing in the water.
104. Everybody dies, but not everybody lives.
105. Stupid people shouldn’t breed.
106. When I meet an uptight person, the first thing I want to do is to pull the stick out of their ass, and beat them over the head with it.
107. Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?
108. I hate stupid people.
109. If you spend all your time thinking about the things you don’t have, you’ll never see the things you do have.
110. Sometimes people forget about the things that right in front of our faces, and don’t remember them until they’re gone.
111. How come psychics don’t win the lottery every week?
112. I didn’t lose my mind; I just put somewhere where I would remember where it was, and I don’t remember where that was exactly.
113. Everyone deserves a shot, just as long as they aren’t shooting at me.
114. If you treat every situation as a life or death situation, you’ll die a lot of times.
115. How come nobody knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
117. What’s the difference between cupcakes and muffins?
118. They need to come up with a cure for assfulness.
119. Fucking people over has replaced baseball as America’s favorite pastime.
120. I’ve never seen anyone literally “laugh their ass off” before, but I think it would be fun to see.
121. Sometimes, it’s crazier to be a little bit saner.
122. What do the M’s stand for in M&M’s?
123. The leprechaun tells me to burn things.
124. Getting used is never any fun.
125. Photography is fun.
126. Stupid people should have their breeding licenses revoked.
127. There’s a fine line between fishing and getting drunk in a boat.
128. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
129. Sometimes I just don’t know.
130. How come all the jackasses and dumbasses get all the chicks?
131. Bad shit always happens to good people.
132. I'm going crazy, wanna come with?
133. Which came first: the chicken or the omlette?
134. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
135. If I agreed with me, we’d both be right.
136. If good things come in small packages, why do hot chicks pop out of really big cakes?
137. Stupid people exist to make the rest of us appear smarter than we really are.
138. If I was the president, I would probably be impeached.
139. I never understood the whole Beanie Baby craze.
140. Being taken for granted or being under appreciated is more insulting than actually being insulted. It hurts more too.
141. It’s a full time job ignoring all the assholes.
142. Sometimes, people need a fresh start in life.
143. Why do adults expect kids to grow up, when all they want to do is be young again.
144. Fuck you, I have enough friends
145. If the best things in life are free, why do chicks almost always make you go broke?
146. I like cupcakes.
147. I find that I can relate almost anything that happens in my life or other people’s lives to cartoons and video games.
148. Sometimes the voices in my head get mad when I don’t do what they tell me to do, so they hit me with shovels.
149. Angels really do exist.
150. I need to get laid!
151. I think squirrels are cool.
152. Anvils are funny.
153. It costs a lot more to buy a dolphin than one would think.
154. Rock and roll ain’t noise pollution.
155. I wish they would bring back the Animaniacs.
156. Sometimes, the best way to deal with something is to just forget about it altogether.
157. If the tooth fairy is not real, then how did that money get under my pillow without me feeling it?
158. Why are apples and oranges supposed to be opposites? They are both still fruit and therefore still similar. I think the opposite of apples should be clouds, and the opposite of oranges should be bricks. On a similar note, the opposite of people should be umbrellas.
159. There are times when I just can not see the whole point to living. That sometimes scares me.
160. I would have never gotten through high school math class if it weren’t for the squirrels.
161. Fire is both fun and educational.
162. I am one with my duality.
163. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
164. Everyone has a photographic memory ...some people just don't have any film.
165. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
166. Welcome to America ...now speak English!
167. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
168. I’m right, you’re wrong. I rock, you suck. Go away.
169. I find that the answer to all of life’s hard questions is Cocoa Puffs.
170. Isn’t being stuck between a rock and a hard place the same thing as being stuck between two hard things?
171. Why is it that women have 500 different types of clothing to choose from, but guys only have to choose from jeans, t-shirts, shorts, and polo/button-up shirts?
172. Be honest and sincere, even if you must lie.
173. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
174. Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
175. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel good.
176. Bras should be illegal.
Those of you who stuck through it to the end, congrats. Its all over now.
Nicky |
|
|
| The Cherub Wont Leave Me Alone! |
[May. 19th, 2006|12:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  erratic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Never Gonna Stop by Rob Zombie | ] |
So on the wall next to my computer is a candle holder thae looks like a cherub. ive never noticed it before, but it keeps staring at me, and i think i heard it laugh. its seriously freaking me out right now.
you know what else freaks me out? getting old. the thought of my body deteriorating and still being alive frightens me.
My biggest fear is ending up alone. that is the one thing that always is in the back of my mind no matter what im doing. im so afraid im gonna jump head first into a relationshp and latch on to the first woman to come along just so im not alone anymore, regardless of what i feel or what kind of person she really is. Afterall, being in a horrible relationship is still better than not being with anyone at all, right. at least the emptyness goes away. i really hope so cuz at the rate im goin, it will take decades for anyone to come along who is truly intrested in me. im afraid im gonna end up being that creepy guy at the end of the street with 13 cats and all the neighborhood kids run past my house cuz they think im gonna eat them or something. You know the house im talking about. the one where when you were groing up, people would dare you to run up and touch the house but everyone would always chicken out cuz there would always be some story about how the creepy guy caught the last kid that came into his yard and nobody ever saw or heard from him again.
Wow, i cant believe im writing all of this. ive never really admitted that to anyone before. except to krista of corse, but there isnt a single detail about my life she doesnt know. we practically live together half the time. i even sleep on the floor next to her bed, much to the discomfort and horror of her boyfriend. anyway, we share everything. i really dont remember where i was going, so im gonna just pick a new direction.
If two zombies or vampires or some other form of undead have sex with eachother, is it still necrophilia? i keep asking people this question and ive gotten some widely differing reactions, but not much in the form of a cogent answer.
Anyway...im really hungry right now and i cant decide where to go. The hot cake house is open 24hrs, but thats all the way out on powell, by the bridge. i dont think i wanna drive that far at one am when i gotta be up at 730. then again, when was sleep ever a big issue for me. hell, last night was the first night i got more than 1 or 2 hours in like 8 days. i was really starting to see and hear things. it was totally badass!
do you know what else is totally badass? oranges. i absolutely love oranges. im an oj fanatic. ill go to work with a gallon of oj and dring it over the course of about an hour or so.
For those of you that have known my for a little while have most likely heard of my list. THE list. the list off all my random thoughts and quotes. i had the best idea. im gonna post it in a day or teo so all of you can attempt to get inside my head. it does came with a small disclaimer, once you are in you might not like what you see and its much harder to get back out. enter at you own risk. i update it from time to time, so if you like what you read, send me a message and ill give you the updated version.
So, my ex-girlfriend, kristen, and i started talking again yesterday anf it was totally awesome. i really missed talking to her. im glad we can talk and theres no awkwardness beween us. one more thing to add to my unexplained happy trip. yay for stuff!
i really want a mountain dew right. i can almost taste one. yummy. AWW CRAP! i left my beef jerky in the car. oh well, ill eat it for breakfast while the auto body shop looks at my car and get ms an estimate on how much it will be to fix my broken front bumper. stupid parents making me report it. now i have to pay more for insurance nad a $500 deductabl for something that doesnt have any effect on how my car performs. there goes my trip to dads this summer. i miss my dad. i havent been home to minnesots in almost 2 years. i NEED to get back for at least a couple days before i go absolutely bonkers and try to stuff tokens up peoples eyelids.
That damn cherub is still staring at me and ive been totally ignoring it! make it go away!
Oh, i need ideas, im thinking about getting another tatoo. i was thinking about maybe a big dragon that covers my whole upper left arm. im not sure yet though. if anyone has ideas, id be glas to hear them. i mean serious ideas. not stupid thigs like "get a penis tatooed on your face" or something to that effect.
well im off to go to the hot cake house cuz im really craving pancakes right now and i really dislike sherri's. the only reason i go there is to hang out and eat pie and get a shake.
Good morning, cuz it is now tomorrow. has been for an hour. talk to you all later.
oh, after 5pm tomorrow, i dont have to work until next thursday so if anyone gets bored and wants to get together and nobody else says yes. ill be you last resort guy! gimmie a call and we'll figure something out.
Nicky, out! |
|
|
| Intoxication |
[May. 17th, 2006|03:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Intoxication by Disturbed | ] |
So this whole attitude alteration has had a few unexpected side effects. mainly, i dont have to force myself into a good mood anymore cuz im already in one. i cant explain how long its been since the smile on my face wasnt forced for one reason or another. it feels freaking awesome. i actually am enjoying life right now and i hope it never goes away. the only thing that could make things better is the removal of the ever-present absence of a woman in my life, but im not gonna focus all my energy on my lonelyness anymore cuz there are so many other wonderful things i can enjoy in the meantime...like cupcakes, and my friends, and pizza, and movies, and tacos(can you tell im hungry?).
For those of you who have known me for a while, i really hope im not freaking you out right now with my being so anti-nickish. i cant explain whats happeneing but its really good, and it wasnt induced by any foreign chemicals in my system. if i am freaking you out, im sorry but im gonna hold on to this as long as i can cuz i dont wanna start spiraling down into the depths of my former depression.
the only explanation i have is that i got to the point where i got so depressed i snapped and lost touch with reality. that has to be it cuz a week ago, reality sickened me and now i cant stop smiling. maybe im dreaming, or hooked up to the matrix as some sort of strange alien research or something.
Anyway, im gonna go skating and enjoy this glorious weather.
Nicky, out |
|
|
| My Own Worst Enemy is Myself |
[May. 17th, 2006|01:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Invisible Kid by Metallica | ] |
So day one on my road to reincarnating my positve attitude and thus restoring and sense of self worth i may have had once when i was an small child went better than i would have hoped. I was cheerful and i even rocked out to disco music with krista. That was painful, but i did it.
There were a few setbacks thanks to the peremenantly hard-wired cynicism in my mind. i slipped up a couple times and had to restrain my darker side. im fighting between what i want to be and the feelings the last two weeks have left me with.
Mostly i wanna know how after everything i am still capable of caring and compassion. The shit really hit the fan abt a week and a half ago and i was in really bad shape, the kinda shape that left scars on my wrists the last time i was in it. What really destroyed me though was that absolutely everyone i turned to for help or just to talk to was nowhere to be found. Krista bailed on me 3 nights in a row, my dad was more worried about getting sleep b4 he had to go to work. Nobody else answered their phones at all. It really got me thinking, whats the point? why do i pour my heart and soul out to the people i care about in order to help them if when im in a bind im left all alone to deal with it. That got me really thinking, which opened the door to my epiphany last night. I really feel like nothing i do really matters. as far as my life goes i feel like im just stuck in the mud and spinning my tires and going nowhere. going backwards would be an improvment cuz at least id be going somewhere. if i was to disappear the only way anyone would notice would be cuz i wouldnt b at work.
I am all better now, thanks largely to my personal guardian angel, Krista.
unfortunately those feelings are still lingering and im trying to be happy again but those lingering feelings keep interfering with my progress. But those feelings shold pass in time and be replaced with something much greater.
Nicky, out! |
|
|
| Mind Rape |
[May. 16th, 2006|03:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Iris by Goo Goo Dolls | ] |
So the last 2 weeks have pretty much like riding a malfunctioning rollercoaster. My life has been twisted, crushed and then lit on fire. (For those of you that know me well enough know that lighting things on fire is fun and is in no way a bad thing!) Strange thing is though, Im in the best mood ive been in in MONTHS! Fron mom and victor's whole we're getting divorced, no we're not, yes we are, no we're not, to my car threatening to blow up on me and kill me in a giant ball of flames (again, fire is fun). Then there was rick's party. All i have to say is I almost couldnt come, and i am damn glad i did. Im still trying to make sence out of everything that has been happening and my only conclusion so far is that I need to lighten the fuck up. People have been giving me a hard time for years cuz im always the dark, depressing, cynical person who brings my black cloud with me where ever i go. Granted, i wasnt always in the best place, but im way better now, and i think i need to move on and stop being such a downer all the time. unfortunately, its really hard to do when you have ZERO self esteem and nothong but disasterous experiences at being optimistic. Basically my conclusion was that if i turn my attitude and outlook around, maybe my life will turn around too. So far ive been waiting for my life to turn around b4 i turned my attitude around. Thats been one HELL of a wait so far and i have only so much patience.
Mostly, im sick of being lonely but its all ive ever known. To quote Metallica(i do that alot) in the song The Unnamed Feeling, "i found safety in this lonelyness but i cannot stand it anymore" I was listening to that song on my way home at midnight and it really go me thinking. then another line from song on that CD got me thinking. "Fuck it all and no regrets!" those 2 lines basically brought me to where i am now, online for the first time in 2 months and pouring my thoughts out onto this thing that nobody reads anyway at 330 inthe fucking morning. oh, that reminds me, im also gona try to clean up my language. So if you hear me swear out of context, smack me. Where was i, oh yeah, my current epiphany. From now on im gonna try to have a positive outlook (just typing that make me wanna puke into someones shoe), not worry about stuff so much, and to have no regrets about the decisions i make. the no regrets totally contradicts my entire decision making philosophy of choose the option you will regret the least cuz you will have some regrets no matter what you choose. As ive been typing this a strong feeling of terror has been welling up inside of me. Now ive deciced to change my way of life, but i dont know how to do it or what will happen. i think what im really afraid of is that i wont be me anymore if i am successful. ill just be one of those sunny perky at 5am bastards that i wanna crack in the face with one of my hockey sticks. i dont even know how to start this either. will you all still like me if i pull a 180 on my personality and start being cheerful? The hadest obstacle i see so far is hope. i gave up on hope sooooo long ago, i dont know how to get it back or even if ill trust it once i do. wish me luck. its been really nice knowing all of you. please give my repacement as much love as you all have given me
Ok, i guess i can start after i finish my last closing line since those are famous and all.
Good-bye kiddies. May a swarm of millions of diseased mosquitos cover your body and drain you of every last drop or blood and then may rabid llamas feast on your putrified intestins and shit into your sunken eye sockets and gaping mouth. If im gonna go, im taking all you apes with me. See you in hell!
Ok, now im gonna start.
Nicky, out. |
|
|
| Backroad Blues |
[Mar. 26th, 2006|11:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fuel by Metallica | ] |
So i was coming home on sat nite after a LONG and busy day at work at abt 1 am. i was cruising along the backroads when all of a sunned my car bounced and almost went off the road. i get to see what happened, lo and behold i hit a hidden pothole and blew out my front passenger tire. i pull out my spare and my jack to attempt to fix it. then i find out my jack has no handle in order to raise it up. luckily 2 cars had stopped at this time to help me and some nice man let me use his jack. When i finally got my car up high enough to remove the tire, the jack snapped in half and my car smashed into the ground. after much apologizing and promising to repay the man, i called AAA and told the man he didnt have to wait around with me. An hour or so later the AAA guy shows up and changes my tire (apparently, the handle for my jack was in my car, it was just hidden) and sent me on my way. I figured this situation sucked but i could afford a new tire and would go to les schwab on monday after i put my paycheck in the bank, and would just drive on the spare doughnut tire for a couple days. Boy was i way off. So i stopped to get gas today on my way to work and the attendant tells me my rear tire is low. i get out and it was completely flat. i has one of those slow fucking leaks that takes all night and all morning to empty a tire cuz it was fine when i got home the night before. I filled it up with air and went to work pissed. At the end of the night i fucked up on 3 drops and screwed up cashing down a drawer. i should be fired for incompetence. luckily as of when i got home tonight, my tire still looks fine. hopefully it can make it til i get to les schwab in the morning. But, since me and hope arent on speaking terms, i dont really think thats gonna happen. Rick's fucking March curse!
Good night kiddies, I hope you asphyxiate on your saliva and die in your sleep. |
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